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So first, I told you WHY I chose homelessness. Now I'll tell you the short story of how I ended up that way. In a few days, I will post a short bit on how I lived that way, since I didn't stay homeless for too long.

The hard part now, will be getting into the spirit of writing this. Mother's Day sort of helped move the emotions of the last post, but now I'm going to really struggle with this part of the story (not by means of difficulty bringing up memories, but by difficulty of putting it into words since I have tried and failed at this so many times).



So... How do I start?

Okay.



...okay.


The year, I think, was 2003. I had just lost my dream job (the bookstore had been shut down). The lease for my apartment was up. And my roommate was moving across the country. I had a very difficult time debating on whether I should abandon everything and hop in the van with her, but I decided to stay. I moved some large items back to my mother's house and stayed in the guest room for two weeks or so until I could stand it no more.

I put out a cry for help on my livejournal to any of my friends who had a room to spare. I got one reply. She was roommates with her mom, oddly. And they both agreed I could stay in the spare room. I got cheap weekly rent, which was cut in half if I played maid every day (which I did while everyone was asleep, since I had terrible insomnia). If I wanted to bring a guy over (I had a boyfriend at the time), I would have to pay 50 bucks because mommy didn't want to hear sex going on.

I tried looking for work every day, but to no lucky end. Eventually after a little while (4 months, I think), I ran out of money, and instead of going back home, I stayed in the car, but most times, my boyfriend would let me sleep with him in the dorms. So I didn't have to live in my car, but rather out of my car. I had my tv, some shoes, and my school stuff in the front seat; books and a box of random things in the trunk; and clothes-stuffed bags, blankets, and pillows in the back seat. I traded in my dresser, my midi keyboard, and my broken computer for an extra week to move out. I didn't need them anyway.

My relationship with my boyfriend was nice for the firs few months. But when I ran out of money, and was pretty much staying in the dorms, except for one or two nights a week in the car, things started to get sour. I started living out of my car just before the Honeymoon Effect of our relationship wore off. And after it did, he treated sex like part of the girlfriend package. He would no longer be modest about his constant erections, but instead suggest I do something about it. When I stayed in the dorm, he'd leave for class, and I would sit on his computer all day, looking for work, blogging, and chatting with my friends. After he'd come back from class, we would hang out with a bunch of friends. I had a lot of fun there, even though he sometimes deliberately ignored me or put me down in front of people, or promised me things he'd never deliver and whatnot. I won't get into the tiny details.

In short, he would want me to stay with him in the dorms, but he wouldn't feed me, and I often had to beg for him to split a sandwich or beg him not to throw out the leftovers and I would eat condiment packets and trash. Bumming it before I was officially living on the street. How sad is that?! He also tried to keep me from going out to enjoy myself. I should have registered that as a sign.

I should have figured out I was in for some bad news when he had his arms around me at a show (Henry Rollins, I believe), and my first boyfriend (the bunny guy, not the actor) came up to me and said, "Remember how I said to you I would never, ever hold you like I'm protecting my property at a show?"

Anyway, sometimes at night, he would be... in the mood, while I was already half asleep, and I'm not going to go into too much detail here. He made me feel so guilty about not wanting to at that moment, that I felt like I had no choice but to let him. And I never let him see me cry, but I wished every damn time it happened that his roommate would wake up while I pleaded not to do it. I let it happen for seven months. Because I was one of those stupid girls who just wanted him to love me. Hell, to even pretend to love me, or even like me at that point! It was winter, and even though it wasn't as cold as the previous years, I still didn't want to live in my car. So I let him.

Finally, I grew a pair and I told him, Look. No more sex at all, until you start acting like you love me or even like me again.

But before I told him that, I began spending a lot of time over at my best friend Fin's house. I told her about what was happening. Not in these words, but in innocent, I-don't-really-grasp-the-seriousness-of-this-shit terms, and she looked at me and said, "Dude. That's not cool," and the power of those words hit me and I started to get misty-eyed.

Unknown to me, she had talked to her boyfriend, who was a good friend of my boyfriend, and he told him to quit jerking my feelings around and if he didn't want me, then fucking dump me already. And thank you, thank you, thank you. He did. And I was free.

Free. But homeless.



Homeless part 1 (or "Why I Hate Them All")
Homeless part 2 (or "What Do You Want in a Woman?" "My Dick")
Homeless part 3 (or "I Can Scrape The Mold Off This")

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Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
pax_athena
May. 22nd, 2009 08:37 am (UTC)
Oh girl, girl, girl... *reads it again* *hugs diello tightly*
icantmakeme
May. 22nd, 2009 08:17 pm (UTC)
I just read this straight after reading a post about Moby Dick.

Seems to me that dicks have a lot to answer for.
diello
May. 22nd, 2009 08:30 pm (UTC)
Yeah! Starting with answering the age-old question, Why Do You Look So Funny!?
kuraism
May. 22nd, 2009 09:58 pm (UTC)
. .I kind of wonder why you're not a lesbian. But. .I'm really glad that you've found someone who treats you right now <3. 'cause you deserve it all.

This. . .is probably rude of my to say, but you should make this into a novel. I'd buy more than one copy of it.
diello
May. 22nd, 2009 10:15 pm (UTC)
Well, I'm half gay, but most girls are too emotional for me. Plus my experience with girls haven't really been that impressive >_<
Also, I've been working on a novelization for a long time, on and off anyway. These 3 homeless stories are just a few chapters in it ;)
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )