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Oh what did I do...

I imagine it's really awkward to hear someone else's name come from your girlfriend's mouth. No, not during sex- that's just I game I play.

I've been seeing the name Paul all over lately, and every time, it makes my heart stop for a second. I'd even recently become back in contact with my friend Paul Sizer (the guy who drew those cartoon pictures of me, over in Whitechapel).

You all remember Paul, right? My dead ex-boyfriend, who I still wanted to get back together with, long into my relationship with Charles, til the day he died...

Apparently, I've been thinking of him a lot lately, with all these other Pauls popping up here and there. I didn't really realize it was getting into my head like that. Of course I always miss him, but I... I guess it's just that time of year or something.

So in the throes of cuddling, I said softly to Charles, "I love you, Paul." I was on the brink of sleep though, so I'm unsure how I managed to explain myself there. That was my second offense. I can't remember the first time (where, who, what...), but this was the second in two days.

I don't know how Charles feels about it. I asked him again this morning if I'd really said that, and apologized, said I was thinking of him a lot lately, and miss him. Told him that was the second time, but he thinks I may have dreamed that one.

Ugh, so fucking weird. Paul's probably laughing at me.

Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
misskelleen
Dec. 13th, 2011 06:14 pm (UTC)
Charles didn't say how he feels about it?

I think it's only natural to have something slip out, when you've been thinking about him so much.

Cameron did that to me when we first met, he was making dinner or something and he said something like, "Do you want salad with yours, Jules?" and I just laughed. He was mortified, but I know he was just used to having used that name for a few years. It never bothered me. Maybe Charles takes it that way too?

xo
diello
Dec. 13th, 2011 10:25 pm (UTC)
I was kinda asleep when I brought it up both last night and this morning. I asked again over the phone and he said it's totally fine, he chocks it up to end-of-semester stress and that I'd just started talking to the other Paul again after a long bout of silence. Then he called me Dawn ;)
pelethetart
Dec. 13th, 2011 06:48 pm (UTC)
Have you tried "talking" with (dead) Paul? Perhaps you need to.
diello
Dec. 13th, 2011 10:26 pm (UTC)
I haven't in too many months :\
icantmakeme
Dec. 14th, 2011 01:39 am (UTC)
I once called Spouse by a completely different name in front of a large group of mutual friends. Fortunately, it was a random name that doesn't even belong to anybody I know but I was still mortified.

I don't actually know the story of you and Paul but it must be pretty difficult for Charles even if he's understanding. I can't imagine competing on any romantic level with a dead person because they're always going to win.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )