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Dog Food and Furniture Tester

On Sunday, I attended a lady-writers group we call Allthing with Meagan. It turned out to be just us (was supposed to be Kathy, JC, Alyssa, and Sam, too, but no one else made it). So the two of us spent about a half hour with a quick Odd-Jobs workshop. I can't remember her picks-from-the-hat (one had something to do with a whiskey cask, oh, and the other was an Odd Jobs Journalist), but mine were 'Dog Food Tester', and 'Furniture Tester' (other picks-from-the-hat were things like, 'snake milker', 'carnie', and 'fortune cookie writer').

Sunday was such a nice day, we decided to book out early and explored the South Wedge. We passed by a house where a banjo jam band practiced on their front porch, we took pictures with a life-size toy goat named Percival, and we ate delicious whiskey and espresso flavoured ice cream (both at Hedonist Chocolates). It was so nice having some girl time. I don't have girlfriends I can trust these days (who I get to hang out with often), so that's a load off my chest, too.

Anyway, we just did one-page stories from our prompts:

Dog Food Tester

Did you know humans can survive on dog food alone? And, you know, water. I used to eat doggie treats as a kid, and people thought, "eew, gross," as you'd expect. But they taste like cookies. They taste like real food. I mean, sort of. Like cereal. Crunchy. Like eating Cookie Crisp Cereal, only dog food tastes better and is healthier.

I had a pet goldfish once when I was a teenager. When I would go to the pet store to get fish food, I'd sneak a gourmet dog treat from the bins. My favourites are vanilla and strawberry ones. They taste like wafer cookies.

Once, I'd gone to the store with a ladyfriend, and she saw me pop one in my mouth. She stared at me in horror as I crunched down. She couldn't believe it, and refused to try, even after I read off the ingredients, assuring her there's nothing in there humans don't eat.

The first thing from her mouth after that was a job offer! Her friend worked for Purina and they needed another food tester. Never thought I'd find my calling, though I learned on that day, it's not something you bring up if you expect a kiss at the end of the night.

Furniture Tester

"What the fuck do you want?" Julie looked up at the customer without tilting her head from it's perch.

"Excuse me, miss," the customer snapped. "I'd like to try sitting in that chair."

Julie rolled her head to get a better look. The woman standing before her donned a fur coat covering everything but her smug face and bony bejeweled fingers. "You gonna buy it?" She asked.

"Well," she replied with increasing anger showing in her face. "Not before I try it out. Now if you'll get up-"

"I'm the furniture tester," Julie interrupted as she pointed to the badge on her lapel. "Official, see? So back off and let me tell you." She reached down to pull the lever at the side, giving her a nice recline as she exhaled a relaxed sigh. "It's a damn fine chair, you see. Fuckin' evil fluff here," she wiggled her butt into the cushion. "And this foot rest? Shit. Yes."

"I'd still like to try it for myself, thanks."

Julie let out a begrudging sign and peeled herself from the leather. She stood and stared down the woman for a moment before a repulsed look washed over the woman's face, and she covered her nose with her fur sleeve. "Oh, good lord!" were her parting words.

Julie grinned. "Sucks for burying a fart, though."

After girl time with Meagan, I went to meet with Linda, my former neighbor, at Panera, and we were there for hours.

And then I went home just in time for Game of Thrones. Which was fucking brilliant. Right in the berries.


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(Deleted comment)
Apr. 9th, 2014 03:32 am (UTC)
I said it out loud as it happened in the episode, to no one... But I'm glad someone likes it :D
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