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Consider This My COMING OUT Post

So....................

I've been absent from this livejournal for about a month, more or less, except to try to post some of what I'm dealing with in my every-day life here and there. I kinda forgot I added a few new friends from a friending post, so I caught up a little bit from the past week or so (all I could do without having to take a whole day to catch up - I commented here and there, but I mostly just read what's up).

Since the beginning of the month, I've been coming to terms with something (actually, for the past two years, I've been coming to terms with something. And actually-actually, I've been confused for the past two years, and only been coming to terms with this for the past few months). This month, I spent time on my writing journal, writing out the answers to a questionnaire about what I'm talking about (and in fact, if you go to diellowrites and hit the "End" button on your keyboard - or just scroll to the bottom of the page- you'll see a list of all the questions I answer on the rest of the page - though each question answered is at the top of each post).

So here it is.

I'm asexual.

And now I'm out to livejournal.

I thought about what I would include specifically in this post. I spent the whole month writing about every nuance the questionnaire would allow, and I even went off on tangents so much that I may have skipped answering the question all together. I want to write more than I have already, because I feel like I've left something out. I want to edit, alter, and add to what I've written, but I almost like it off the cuff. I may do a literal cut-and-paste (print it, colour-code it, cut it up paragraph-by-paragraph, and re-arrange) to see what I can do.

But I'm letting you see it in its raw form for now.

I do want to say a little introduction, a little warning, and a little summary:

I don't feel defined by being asexual, and I never believed anyone's sexuality defines who they are, even if it gets them in trouble, even if they make it their job. But I now feel connected to a part of myself that's caused a great deal of heartache, pain, confusion, and messes, and I feel a little bit less of a freak* having come to terms with it. I am not broken, as I thought for so long. But I still feel like an oddball (only one percent of people identify as asexual, I've heard).

The link to my writing journal will be super packed with these short essay-length blogs about whatever questions are laced up top of of each.

WARNING: There are, scattered about, mentions of my sexual history, masturbatory habits, and the like, so if you don't mind reading that kind of stuff about a friend/stranger, then have at it. It really is scattered here and there, so there's no warnings within (except one trigger warning, which is in bold, and toward the bottom/beginning of the whole set).

If anything, check out the very top post for a general "what is asexuality" primer in comic (and video) form. And if you don't want to read the mess, I will be happy/nervous to answer any questions in the comments. I don't tend to mix up attacking and hate with curiosity (and I will explain as much as you want, speaking personally), but I do ask that you not be aggressive - lots of questions are fine, but the first person I came out to, a couple months ago, seemed as confused as he was upset (as I was basically telling him I'm not gonna fuck him - and no, this was not my boyfriend, but a guy I was flirty with for a weekend). His questioning, over the phone, seemed like attacks, and he hasn't bothered to talk to me since.

But anyway. As the great Gene Belcher says, this is me now.


*freak - a term used against me as a goth girl, a term I embraced as a proud goth girl, and a term I embraced as a former sideshow freak, and with respect to actual sideshow freaks who I admire greatly. But here, I mean it self-derogatorily.

Comments

( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
kurikuribebi
Feb. 19th, 2016 02:18 am (UTC)
Congrats on coming out :)
As I've never really cared about people's sexuality as long as it didn't affect me personally in some way, I can't say much more than that ^^;;
diello
Feb. 19th, 2016 02:22 pm (UTC)
Many thanks! :)
m_is_4_awesome
Feb. 19th, 2016 03:28 am (UTC)
We don't know each well. We are new LJ friends. But, I did not want to not respond in some way. Mostly, because I can imagine it took courage to post this, and part of you is likely wondering how people will respond? Dunno. Here are some of my thoughts, anyway.

That guy's reaction was unfortunate, but it was his reaction to have as an individual. Who knows what thoughts or feelings or whatever else drove it. There will probably be other unfortunate reactions. I have noticed, there seems to be more confused animosity toward the idea of someone not wanting to have sex than most things to actually do with having sex. Most people just probably cannot conceptualize it (because, they really, really want to have sex), which is indicative of a limit in their ability to conceptualize. Hell, Morrissey was discussing his celibacy (I don't recall if he ever called himself "asexual") in the 80's, and I remember people thinking he was just being perverse.

IMO, there is far too much confusion, control and emphasis placed on sexuality. I find it peculiar. Sex is not a new thing, and humans did not invent it. It is the least interesting thing about sentient beings.
diello
Feb. 19th, 2016 02:47 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I'm a little nervous to tell others, but so far, except the one guy, the people I've told have been great. I've made a filter on my facebook in preparation to tell a small load of people over there - all folks I hope would react nicely to it, and if it spreads further than the filter, it'll be an interesting experiment to see what's said...
I do feel like if there are more unfortunate reactions, it'll be easier to handle - the positives will outweigh the negatives, but man, for a first outing... I was scared for a long time.

pax_athena
Feb. 23rd, 2016 03:33 am (UTC)
I read the entries on your other journal but was confused as to whether it was your or a fictionalized you who were writing it. I should have asked <3
diello
Feb. 23rd, 2016 04:42 pm (UTC)
Awwww :D
I forgot you still have that added to your feed. I had a good time writing it, but there's so much I left out. I need to make it into one big essay.
gaffeizil
Feb. 28th, 2016 06:46 am (UTC)
Way to go, friend. :)

Edited at 2016-02-28 06:46 am (UTC)
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )