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I Had Two First Kisses

I'm self-destructive.  When something upsetting happens to me, I end up destroying myself, be it eating my feelings, sleeping around, or throwing away anything creative I spent months working on.  I won't get into the unmentionably horrid things thrust upon me as a child.  I'm skipping ahead to a certain kiss.

My first job had me working at KB Toys at the mall for the fall and winter.  At that age, I was required to take a 15-minute break, so I roamed the mall, usually making my way to Hot Topic, where I got my first taste of the Goth culture (back when Hot Topic primarily sold goth & punk couture).  I met Jeremy, one of the managers, this way.

After a few flirtatious weeks, he asked my age.  "16," I replied.
"Oh," he said.
 "And you?"
Disappointment all around - our age gap was far too wide to pursue anything, and we stopped flirting after that.  He ended up falling for my sister, too, who got a job at his store.  She pulled strings to get work at 15, and boy, was he upset when he found out her age.  She looks much older.

Skip ahead to a New Year's Eve party that same year, now 17.  Teenagers are all raunchy jokes and innuendos, and of course, I joined in, even though I had no idea what I was talking about, just following suit.  Good times!

But being all talk gets you into trouble sometimes.  Somehow, I'd innuendo'd my way into getting this gross guy to start makin' eyes at me, all half-open and droopy - the "I'm trying to look sultry, but just look boozy" look that so many of us have tried to pull off for a camera, especially wasted.  But we weren't drunk!  We were all goody-two-shoes teenagers.  We were all all talk!

So this guy asked me to go outside with him and I had no idea what he wanted to talk about, and it turned out he didn't want to talk at all, because the next thing I knew, he'd planted his sopping wet mouth all over mine.  I felt nauseated and violated, and everyone saw us from the window, and knew I couldn't just erase the moment.

And I'd never dated anyone for real, and I felt pressured to become a "couple" by the whole party.  And I felt angry, so I kissed him again and again, punishing myself with every peck, for letting this happen to myself, feeling infested by the drool of this mouth-breather.  And over the weekend, I hatched a plan to not be his girlfriend anymore in three days.  It only took two.

I made up elaborate stories about all these boys I hang out with on a regular basis.  That's why I could never go and do things with him at any of the times he suggested. "Oh man, I fell asleep over at [guy]'s house last night, and that's why I'm wearing the same outfit as yesterday."  But of course, I said we were just friends.

I let jealousy do the rest, and by Wednesday, I could put it all behind me and move on.  Thankfully, everyone forgot about it, as people tend to do in their teens.  Hell, I don't even remember the kid's name.

Now back to the mall job, nearly a year later, a few weeks shy of my 18th birthday.  I'd since switched jobs to what became my longest-running and all-time favourite retail job, working at Walden Books.  This bookstore changed my life.  I wouldn't be who I am now if it weren't for the people I met working there.  But that's another story.

Jeremy no longer worked at Hot Topic, but a very cute boy named Charles did (for those who know me, this is not the same Charles I'm with now).  And that's a story for another time, too.  Jeremy moved to Buffalo, I'd heard.  He worked as a manager at another store in another mall, and occasionally needed to visit the branch here.  Cue the walk-in.

We had a sweet exchange before he asked me to go for a quick walk with him.  I looked to my co-worker Bill, and he waved me on.  We talked for a little bit before he sweetly asked me if he could kiss me.  I said yes with a blush.

It was perfect.  And the entire world melted away.

Skip to a week and some lovey-dovey long-distance calls later, and he's asked me to move to Buffalo to be with him!  "Come again?"  Does he really think a teenager is going to drop everything to move out to Buffalo and live with him after only one week of some calls?  I uncomfortably admitted that I have no experience in dating or sex and am not ready for such a big leap.

Then he took a leap - DOWN MY THROAT.  "What kind of guy do you think I am?!"  I said he's probably like any other guy pushing 40 and asking a teenage girl to move in with him after just one week.  I'm not that naiive, and I won't be pressured into things like this anymore.  And that's the last I heard of him, except seeing his psychotic rants on LiveJournal.  Dodged that bullet.

I managed to keep my composure this time.  I didn't go off to self-destruct.  I actually felt proud.  I stood up for myself.  And I never regretted that kiss.  Because that's what I always wanted for my first kiss.


( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 12th, 2016 04:13 pm (UTC)
Yep, you're bang on, he's exactly like every 40 year old guy who pursues a teenager. Definitely bullet dodged there. Well done.

And yes, it's important to remember that things can still be good and fine and fun, even if they also involve dodging a bullet.
May. 18th, 2016 03:15 pm (UTC)
If I can have a good time and dodge literal bullets, like I did when I was a kid trespassing on another farmer's property, then I can kiss and run away. ;)
May. 15th, 2016 12:16 pm (UTC)
i'm glad you dodged that bullet!
May. 18th, 2016 03:16 pm (UTC)
Me too! I was pretty susceptible to pressure back then, so if I'd buckled then, I would have definitely regretted it.
May. 18th, 2016 09:34 pm (UTC)
i can understand what you mean. i made some horrible mistakes in that respect as a teenager! :\
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )