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Warren Ellis on How to Cook Properly.

This is an old blurb, but I've just come upon it and it's the funniest thing I've read in a long time... mostly because it's totally Warren, but also because Boyfriend gripes on me when I order my meat still kicking.

MAN COOK MEAT WITH FIRE
Not "man show fire to meat and then eat it while it still squirts and pulses."

KILL IT DED WITH FIRE YUS
"Medium rare" = "good vet could get it up on its feet in an hour or two." That's not cooked with fire. That's threatened with fire.

I DO NOT SEASON STEAK
Start seasoning steak and before you know it? You're French. No. I go to my personal butcher and say, "Give me a piece of meat that's been sawn off an animal." And they throw me a chunk of animal. And then I say "Show me the animal this meat was sawn off." And they show me a picture of a crying cow with a gaping hole in its side. And I say "Did the animal cry when you sawed my piece of meat off it?" And they show me a Ziploc bag full of cow tears. And I say, "Rub that on my steak! Let that be my seasoning!"


Reason #343 why I love Warren Ellis.
Relatedly, I just finished all ten volumes of Transmetropolitan. It was fucking rad.

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
mayhem613
Oct. 27th, 2009 06:03 am (UTC)
cows are yummy raw
diello
Oct. 27th, 2009 06:08 pm (UTC)
That's what I say! But everyone else, for some reason, doesn't find it civil for a young lady to have blood running down her chin during a meal.
mayhem613
Oct. 29th, 2009 02:42 am (UTC)
civil . . . maybe not. Incredibly hot, YES!!!!
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )