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Why I Put Myself Through This

Generally speaking, I really don't mind the emptiness from where my tooth was extracted from my grin. Not usually. That's why I've gone a good 6 or 7 years without fixing it. That and money was tight, of course. I go along day by day, not really remembering I have this big hole in my face, because most people don't flat-out point it out, and they often go out of their way to keep from looking at it. I never noticed I didn't have a tooth there (stay with me, here). I didn't ever think about it. Not until someone takes a picture, or if I catch someone unable to take their eyes off my mouth while I'm talking to them.

Everyone hates SOMETHING about themselves. Whether their ears stick out, their roots are showing, they wear glasses, their boobs sag, they're pigeon-toed, they have bad teeth, they are allergic to something delicious, they have a big scar, or whatever! It doesn't even have to be a physical thing- I hate the way I can't be happy without a good night's sleep, I hate that I always mess up when I only have the best intentions, I hate that I am lazy, I hate the way I was raised to believe I would never be loved, I hate that I keep telling myself I'll draw every day and fill up my sketchbooks but the first thing I draw discourages me so much I don't pick up my sketchbook for months and months.

The one thing I loved so much, though? Among all these hideous parts of me, the one thing I thought was truly beautiful about me was my smile. I thought getting the run-around all these years, doctors too busy to set aside time to talk about my options, never having gotten a promised allotment of insurance, and always having to use the money for something else... I thought I deserved to have that taken away. BUT I ENDURED. I felt shitty for a little while, and I got over it. I went this whole time not caring what people thought of me, but when I noticed them notice, I suddenly did. When I noticed they took my pictures, I suddenly hated myself all over again. And that feeling stuck the rest of the day.

Let me illustrate my point.


I grew up in a place where lots of people had bad teeth (and even though they only lived one county away, they somehow have an outrageous hick accent!). So when I notice people looking at the gap in my teeth, I feel like they're seeing this:


And then I feel like this:


Whenever I see someone take my photo and I'm in a particularly good mood, I either turn to my left to let my teeth shine, or I closed-mouth Mona Lisa smile, which I really hate. I dare you to find a recent picture of me where I am grinning big and proud! Posed pictures don't count.


But the worst thing in the world is when my older sister Brooke, the one sibling I looked up to my whole life, kicked me out of her wedding because, and she actually said this, she didn't want my ugly smile to ruin her photographs.


So that is why I am enduring this:


And looking like this after (while it heals):


So I can smile again. Like this:


And this:


And this:


Back in the days when I felt truly pretty.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
icantmakeme
Aug. 4th, 2011 08:53 pm (UTC)

YOU JUST TRICKED ME INTO LOOKING AT THAT BONE GRAFT PICTURE OMG. *Ahem* Sorry. I have a thing about tooth injury, I can't see it on TV, there's a thousand things I can better endure visually than tooth procedures. When it's happening to me I can't see it and that's fine but when people get 'smile makeovers' on those plastic surgery shows or that scene from American History X *SHUDDER*...I just can't. But I'm super glad for you that you got to fix something that was mentally affecting you! So. Hooray! But also wtf being kicked out of a wedding?! Lolwut? I'm against pretending weddings exist in isolated bubbles of perfection. Your marriage is going to be messy, why not start in reality? "No, sorry Uncle John, you're too short to be in our wedding photos so we'll just play like you don't exist. But you still get sugar coated almonds!" Crazy. But then I didn't diet for my wedding either and it was before going gluten free so I am bloated in all the pictures. And you know what? That's exactly what was going on in my life then so why pretend otherwise? Anyway. Not bagging out your sister, just scratching my head until those upside down Spanish question marks come out of it. Like this ¿¿¿

diello
Aug. 4th, 2011 10:45 pm (UTC)
Haha! That WHOLE thing was because you had those awesome upside down question marks unused in your clipboard, wasn't it ;)
Sorry about the toothy gross-out. UGH... that curb-biting scene an American History X!!! GAAAH! Where's the bleach?
icantmakeme
Aug. 5th, 2011 09:44 am (UTC)
Strangely, that is not the first time I've been accused of having upside down question marks just hanging out on my clipboard. Actually, on the iPad (which I originally commented from) you just long hold the question mark and the ¿ pops up instead of the usual 'option shift ?' on a desktop Mac.

Why yes, I'm the person who when they first got a computer went through the entire keyboard looking for the 'hidden' option key characters like they were video game easter eggs. It has enriched my life by allowing me to write café and go to Steak Night™. I am still foiled by The Bröntes (Until just now. HA! Option U!) and Alexander Skarsgård (Also until now! HA!). Okay. Awesome. The Skarsgård one was really bugging me.
diello
Aug. 5th, 2011 04:47 pm (UTC)
You have an iPad???? I'm retarded with jealousy. And yet you are never EVER available to facetime chat.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )