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Gone

So... my dad died a week ago.

He went really peacefully, surrounded by family and friends (I was not there, though). Service was over the weekend, and I went to Toronto instead, because I needed to escape. We buried him on Monday afternoon. I hadn't seen his best friend in 20 years - he read the sermon. The hardest part was seeing my sister hug the coffin. I turned to my other sister who felt the same, and we teared up, and I asked her what kind of mascara she used, because it wasn't running, and I was looking for a good waterproof mascara. A bee flew among us, and me and mom freaked out, saying we didn't have our epi-pen if we got stung. Nichole said we'll leave the grave open just in case. I wanted to put a cigarette in the coffin (I don't care that it contributed to his death, he loved smoking), but I couldn't bring myself near it.

After, we went back to mom's to eat a lot of food, and exchange stories about his many arrests (for instance, when he stole a cop car and drove it into the canal, or when he stole a pack of bologna when he had at least a thousand dollars in cash in his pocket). We aren't a family that cries much in front of each other. We joke.

I've already mourned - a few weeks back, when they told me his days are numbered. When they told me the number isn't in double digits. I cried a lot. I cried, and I learned to knit to get my mind off things. Then I mourned again when mom told me it was the end (that was the day before I got the final call). When I did get the call, I ignored it. I ignored it for a few days. And Charles had to talk to her instead. It was at 2:30am, and I rolled over and went to sleep. I had work in the morning.

And I fucked off to Toronto for the weekend. It was glorious, except the last day where I got my period. Fucking fuck.

But like I said, I'm fine now, and I've already mourned. So I've not missed any work. I can't afford to miss any work. I don't get time off to grieve.

I've already made the "Halfway to Batman" joke. That's how I roll.

Comments

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
littlemask
May. 13th, 2015 07:02 pm (UTC)
*hugs* I'm glad you guys got some notice and got to spend time with him that you otherwise might not have. He seemed happy about it too (banana bread bonus!) and that's the way to go, in my opinion, having happy last days. c:

Edited at 2015-05-13 07:03 pm (UTC)
ani_mama
May. 14th, 2015 05:06 pm (UTC)
*hugs*

I am so sorry for your loss. My dad passed almost 20 years ago now, and I still miss him every day. Eventually the grief will dull a bit and you will remember the happier memories more brightly.
pax_athena
May. 14th, 2015 02:21 am (UTC)
*hugs*

(This is strange - early today, much earlier than I read your post, I thought about my grandma and how she learned knitting when her second husband dies. She was rather young back then, mid thirties or so. Knitting seems to be the thing to keep her alive today and brought her through and more or less over her stroke. And then there was this line in your post and I had to share her story here ...)
thistle_chaser
May. 14th, 2015 02:50 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry for your loss. :(
lolahead
May. 14th, 2015 03:51 pm (UTC)
So Sorry
I'm sorry for your loss. :(

"The wise grieve neither for the living nor the dead. There has never been a time when you and I and the kings gathered here have not existed, nor will there be a time when we will cease to exist. As the same person inhabits the body through childhood, youth, and old age, so too at the time fo death he attains another body. The wise are not deluded by these changes...The body is mortal, but that which dwells in the body is immortal and immeasurable...: The Bhagavad Gita 2:11-18

Edited at 2015-05-14 03:51 pm (UTC)
touchofgr3y
May. 15th, 2015 01:26 am (UTC)
I am so sorry for your loss. *hugs*
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )